Finders Keepers, Losers Sleepers
by Kiritsugu Sakurai
Summary: Posted again because FanFiction is unkind to copypasta. Thanks for the one favorite from previous though, lel. A hypothetical scenario that would ruin the Phantom Thieves before they're even established. Head canon beware. Cross-posted from AO3 by same author (me).


"Kyohan-kun, ready to pull off our big plan?" Jomae says, wrapping his arm around the other boy's shoulders. Kyohan readjusts his glasses; the two are walking down the street on a school morning.

"I-I've never been late to school before," Kyohan stammers. Jomae replies by squeezing Kyohan's neck, causing him to wince, "Stop making excuses, we're two of a bird now. You know what happens if you make like a rat."

Kyohan whimpers in agreement. Satisfied, Jomae drops his arm and slaps Kyohan's back, "Don't worry, I've got the tools for the job, and you have the brains. It'll be in and out just like that."

Bowing his head, Kyohan mutters, "Do you really hate Kamoshida-sensei enough to do this?"

"Eh, what was that?" Jomae leans in with a menacing look. But he grits his teeth and pulls back, instead tugging his bleached bangs, "Don't you? Or just that Mishima kid?"

"I...I think Mishima-kohai is messing up his life in my position, but-"

"Isn't that right?" Jomae seethes, his face contorted into repressed rage, "Those do-good kids messed with both our lives just to suck off Kamoshida. Didn't you used to be just quiet enough so the bastard wouldn't bother? Until that try-hard Mishima kid comes along, and he prefers the new chew toy better."

Kyohan shuts his mouth and attempts to smooth his messy black hair. Jomae continues ranting, "It's just like what happened to me in the track club. I always ran cold to give that bastard no excuses, but when that Sakamoto kid joins thinking he's hot stuff...he should've known it was coming. But the fucker didn't have to take the rest of the team down with him!"

Jomae swipes the air in front of him. Kyohan glances up to see the apartment complex looming ahead, "Oh, we're here."

Jomae looks up with a wicked grin, "I can't wait; this is our revenge. And for that girl who jumped I guess. We've come for you Kamoshida."

The two boys walk up to the apartment lobby gate; Kyohan presses the intercom to talk to security. Minutes later, a security guard comes to open the gate.

"Oh, you're the letter boy aren't you? I haven't seen you for a while, but shouldn't you be getting to school?" the security guard inquires.

"Kamoshida-sensei asked me to drop off another letter for him before school, he said he'd cover for my tardiness," Kyohan answers.

The security guard turns to Jomae, and narrows his eyes, "Who's this boy with you?"

"Actually, the letter ended up in his cubbyhole this time," Kyohan replies. Jomae forces a smile and pulls out an envelope from his inner jacket pocket. The security guard stares a bit longer, before he turns back to Kyohan and jokes, "Can't keep up with a teacher when it comes to female admirers, eh?"

"Only Kamoshida-sensei knows how to have them, I'm just the messenger," Kyohan replies, laughing along. The security guard lets Jomae and Kyohan through; the former lets out a "tch," while the latter breaks out sweating as they round the bend. They call an elevator and ride it up, and exit onto the floor of Kamoshida's apartment.

Reaching into his jacket, Kyohan pulls out a snap gun and hands it to Jomae, who smirks, "My old man's lock business ain't worth inheriting, but at least it's got its perks."

He sets the snap gun into Kamoshida's door lock, and picks it. Turning the doorknob, he pushes the door bit by bit until he confirms the room beyond is unoccupied. Jomae turns to Kyohan, "Watch the elevators, and knock on the door like I told you before."

Stepping into Kamoshida's apartment, Jomae spots his prize straight away. He stifles a triumphant laugh and instead gloats, "I knew the arrogant bastard would put it on display for the whole fucking world to see. It'll fetch quite a price when I sell it to those Yakuza around school. Maybe when the theft hits the news, the spotlight will finally be on Kamoshida for all the wrong reasons."

He steps up to a locked glass case, and pulls out the envelope to extract a folded cloth. Wrapping it around his hand, he makes a fist and smashes the glass with a few punches. He steals Kamoshida's Olympic gold medal, inserting it into the envelope.

Stashing his treasure away, Jomae strides out of the apartment, beckoning Kyohan, "The show's over."

/

Kamoshida steps off the elevator onto his floor. Volleyball club wasn't after school today, so he looks forward to resting for the day, and maybe if he was lucky one of his girls' invitations for the night. But as he turns the door handle, a sudden migraine overtakes him, causing him to stumble forward as the door swings open.

He isn't prepared to behold the sight before him on his knees either.

/

They've defeated Kamoshida's Shadow. It falls over, and the crown rolls towards them shrunken. They're about to celebrate, and then it winks out of existence.

"NOOO, MY TREASURE! IT'S BEEN STOLEN!"

/

Kamoshida rushes out of the elevator and bursts into the security office, shouting at the nearest security guard, "Who the hell broke into my apartment? Show me the security footage now!"

The security guard jumps out of his seat, "Calm down sir, we'll call the police and deal with the break-in for you-"

"My OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL was stolen! And I think I know who did it, so show me the security footage!"

Surrendering, the security guard leads Kamoshida back into the camera room. They run through the footage starting from this morning which replays two boys, one blonde and another with black hair glasses, breaking and entering Kamoshida's apartment.

"THOSE DAMN BRATS! They set up those calling cards just to taunt me, when they already stole what they wanted! THEY'RE NOT JUST GETTING EXPELLED NOW!"

/

"What the eff just happened? Explain, cat!" Ryuji shoots at Morgana. The two plus Ann and (Akira) stand in a back alley after the Palace, looking confused.

"Hey, I didn't expect that either! The treasure shouldn't just disappear into thin air when you steal it, and I couldn't detect its presence in another room, so that rules out teleportation," Morgana shoots back.

"Maybe...someone else stole it before us? Just...not through some cognitive hocuspocus like we do," Ann offers.

Morgana shakes his head, "It befuddles me as well Lady Ann. I think it best for us to adjourn, and plan our next move tomorrow."

Disgusted, Ryuji and Ann shake their heads before departing. Morgana turns to (Akira) to reassure him, "This should only be a temporary setback. As long as the Palace exists, it should still be possible to change Kamoshida's heart. Anyways, you must be tired after today, let's go home and to sleep."

/

"Hey...coffee good for you?"


End file.
